Yeah Not such a great week for me I am usually not an emotional person but these past few weeks a well deserved face in my pillow with all the lights off alone in my room was well deserved. One I would like to start off by saying it isn't cool to be experimented and tested on like a lab rat it is embarrassing and some what degrading. I am the youngest patient at my Cardiologist office and I am there the most the nurses know everything about me and it is stupid I have had 7 EKG's/ ECG's done 2 fifteen minute stress test done to me a halter test and now a sonogram has to get done on my heart. in Case you didn't know they usually do those to woman when they are pregnant. Then to  put the cherry on the pie I they will not tell me anything except the stress test ladies they are really cool about it but to be honest I cheated it really isn't in my nature or character to do it what I did had to be done. they tell you no caffeine 24 to 48 hours before your test but I realized my heart rate resting without supplements was way too low and it would take too long for it to exceed the rate they wanted it to go. So I took my fat burner pills with coffee the morning of my test. I still took me 15 minutes walking with the treadmill at a 18% incline at four and a half miles per hour. I started to breathe really hard in and out to try and make my heart rate increase because i sat right on the boarder of where they wanted what felt like forever. I need this to come back positive I years away need my dream to come true I am 2 away. Ever since I was a kid I have always wanted to be married to a beautiful smart woman with at least one baby boy, a house in a good neighborhood, a dog that I plan to name as Hulk, Zeus, or Garm and a career that would be selfless where people could call me a Hero because I constantly want to save lives on a daily basis. of course I could have tried to become a doctor but I don't have the time nor can I deal with ripping people open all the time. A burning building? People fear fire and smoke where I see it as something fascinating maybe it is ignorance but I understand it enough to know that I wouldn't want to let the beast harm someone and consume there home. Even ripping a car open with something called The Jaws of Life and pulling them out inches before there life is ended. that alone sounds like something straight out of a real life comic book. But If I end up having to get a pacemaker ALL of it will be taken away from me and all the work I have done up until this point would all be in vein. Then at the beginning of this week since I have been going in and out of the hospital I find out that I have been dropped from two of my classes I email the teachers and luckily I was able to get one class back. To cheer myself up I went out to the mall by myself and bought my wife a beautiful dress and some designer heels. I figured hey it is almost Valentines day maybe I can feel better if I go out with my wife to a nice dinner and a movie. Then it happens she despises the way she looks in the dress even though she looked gorgeous and tells me can you take back the shoes as well I have enough black heels. I said okay but in my mind something snapped I halfheartedly grinned on the outside but on the inside my world was crashing down I was breaking tables punching holes in the walls ripping toilets out of the ground and setting fire to our closet. Again this was all in my mind she goes to work I drop off my son and I break down as soon as I get inside my apartment and in my room. Why me? Why now? Why is it when I am so close I have to be pushed down the trap door that opens from underneath my feet. Why wouldn't God give me a sign to stay in the Marine Corps so I cold at least have a secure future for my family and maybe even a dog. My health I could honestly give two craps about but I still eat healthy dont smoke and drink on occasion because I want to be a successful firefighter. I have never seen myself growing old or being an old person. I actually loathe old people even though at times it is not there fault allot of the time it is. They are rude inconsiderate weak and take advantage of how people see them as helpless. Also sadly many of them are racist pricks including the people in my family. I am a racially mixed child so I went through allot of my life being mentally abused by family members but I grew up at a young age to defend myself. Being called a Monkey a Nigger being told I will never amount to anything but a drug dealer on a street corner by my own grandparents my Mom. my Dad making fun of my Hispanic heritage I received discrimination from both sides of my family. I have felt hate from people that should have loved me. I think thats why it is important for me to become a "hero" to be accepted by the Masses and to prove my family wrong that I will become something more. and now I know that I am in danger of that not happening and there is nothing I can do about it but sit and wait. It has really been a rough week.......

Journal Entry 2

Today was a pretty good day I haven't realized how much I missed school until now. Learning is one of my hobbies. I know it sounds kind of weird but once I learn to do something and i grasp the concept. I get butterflies in my stomach like from your first kiss or that feeling when you drop from the top of the roller coaster but you know everything is going to be okay. One of the things that has me a little bothered though is that there was a shooting in my neighborhood last night. If you watch the news I'm sure you have seen it. Things have been ridiculous I pay almost a mortgage payment to live in this two bedroom apartment that I thought oh its a decent area right next to the millenia mall. WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! I moved into this apartment in December 19th. it hasn't even been a month and there have already been 2 shootings and then in the complex subway you have people taking money out of the tip jar. I know the last one not that big of a deal but it is to me. Maybe if I was living here with my friends or by myself I could just brush it under the rug but I'm not I have a wife and a son to think about I feel like I directly put them in harms way by signing the least to this place I am hoping by next year I can save up what little money I have and buy a house. 

Journal Entry#1

Well this is definitely my first blog and I'm a little late doing it. It has been a rough few weeks for me starting school and all. I feel a bit overwhelmed  but I am not one to give up when things get rough but I do get distracted a lot. I have been trying to provide a good life for my family since we became a family and lately it has been hard. I have been trying to get into corrections for the past month and a half that way I could make more money while I go to school to become a Firefighter/Paramedic and save up to buy a house in the next two years. It's always something with me and my dreams are always put to the side. Not this time I thought I am Unstoppable nothing is going to get in my way. I just found out yesterday afternoon while getting my physical to go to corrections academy that I have bradycardia. I basically means I have an extremely slow heart rate and I may need to get a pace maker but until i see a cardiologist they are going to put my medical records on hold. But wait there is more!! I don't have health insurance because I just got out of the Marine Corps and I was trying to get this job so I could afford health insurance for my family and myself. So with that said it is going to cost me hundreds of dollars I don't have to maybe find out if they can continue my application process. But that is not all as if my dreams haven't been folding over and crashing down on themselves I just realized that if I don't get the clearance I need from the cardiologist then I can't become a Firefighter/Paramedic like I have dreamed of becoming since I was a kid. I had it all planned out when I graduated high school. Live on my own and get a few jobs for work experience, join the military to serve my country and show my dedication to service. Finally I get out of the Marine Corps and try to apply to become a Firefighter I don't even get to see an application because now they want 2 years college experience. So I go to school now no big deal and then I find this out and I feel like the past ten years of my life has been a big waste of time and I don't know what to do. My Definition of the Unknown was Anxious because there is so much I am worried about and so many questions I need answered I hope it gets better. Sorry if my first blog is a little drama filled but it felt good to get it off my chest. Journal Entry1